3.1.8.12 R.D.
Unit 02 made our way out to a military black site this morning with Handler. She was telling us all about the history of the Eidolons and how the Abujan demons seem to differ from them. If I’m being honest, so much of what she was talking about didn’t sink in at all. I was still tired from the team conversation. I do remember her mentioning how the demons have the same energy as the Haze. Is that because they are the originators of it, or because they were either born from it or adapted to it after a long life? I should have listened more.
She showed us the “corpse” of the 2P and its pilot. I think Victor still can’t believe the thing is dead, although Judgement is still out there. Will he still hold onto the same rage? Maybe it drives him, empowers him so much that he’s using it to overcome the paracasual and pilot again. Truly both terrifying and inspiring if that’s true.
When I got back to base, the engineering crew pulled me aside and asked me what I thought about going piloting Ithiki instead of Alitheia. I suppose my performance last mission must have raised some concerns with the “brass”, as Ryker might say. I told them I didn’t mind but that I had two conditions: one, this Ithiki would be an evolution and not a straight remake, and that we’d work together as a team to get it improved. I figured my ignorance is probably impeding my ability to be an effective pilot, and even if that’s not my life goal, I need to be sharp out in the field to make sure everyone gets home safe.
To my embarrassment, the engineers informed me that’s how this kind of thing always goes, and my hands-off approach thus far has been the outlier. On the bright side, they at least seemed glad that I’d be more active for this development cycle. I can’t let them down.
5.1.8.12 R.D.
Designing a mech is incredibly hard, even with a pre-existing base. How do other Lancers do this? I have spent so much time reading manuals and other documentation that I barely understand so that I can try to have an informed opinion when I work with the engineering team. So far, it’s been okay, with us agreeing on design principles and core system functionality. For now, they told me I should focus on choosing the weaponry while they take care of the finer tuning of the frame.
I am trying to approach this with the mindset of the mech being a form of self-expression. As such, I want even the weapons to “feel” like me, in the hopes that I can foster a greater human to mechanics connection in combat. But that asks a question I don’t know the answer to anymore - who am I? I used to know, but since joining Unit 02, my self-identity has become as shrouded as the truths we’ve been seeking. I am something more than an academic but less than a soldier. How can I make Ithiki more like me when I’m lost?
Maybe I should seek inspiration from elsewhere instead of trying to find the answer in these damned indecipherable manuals.
6.1.8.12 R.D.
Inspiration has struck! This morning, I went for a walk to clear my head and get some distance from all the documentation. While on my stroll, I ended up running into Ryker, which was great luck as his weapon naming was the whole reason I thought to try self-expression via mech build. I asked him how he came up with the names of all his weapons, hoping that he’d have some kind of hidden technique or ancient dog person wisdom behind it all. He didn’t, but I have to say, it was enthralling to listen to him talk about his weaponry. Although the names were perhaps a little cheesy, what struck me the most was how much pride Ryker had while he was talking about his mech. It was the same pride I’d seen from him before dozens of times - he was as proud of his mech as he was to be a Lancer pilot or a soldier for Castiria. It was a key driving force for him.
And then it came to me! What is a greater expression of self than emotion? I hadn’t realised it, but I’d already been tying my fellow unit members to key emotions they expressed. Ryker had his pride, Victor has his rage, and Vuelo is nothing but joy whenever he talks about little Elena. These are all core emotions, the purest representation of the human condition.
Furthermore, one could argue that emotions are a level above raw instinct, which is what I’ve been leveraging so far whenever I’m in a mech. Maybe by trying to tap into them, I can perform more consistently without needing to rely on my instinctual “flow state”.
This all means that whatever weapon I pick should somehow pull from inspiration from emotion. I’ll chat to the engineers and see if anything comes to mind for them. How thrilling to finally crack this!
7.1.8.12 R.D.
I think I need to read more about mechs because trying to explain my emotion idea to the engineers was a catastrophe. I could not elucidate the concept for the life of me. The blank stares I got when I started explaining “flow state” were presumably the type I’ve previously given when people talked to me about mechs.For now, they’ve just kitted out Ithiki with the same weapons as before, but will stand by to add to it if I think of anything new.
The good news is that the rest of Ithiki has been completed, and it was a wonderfully improved frame. Ithiki is now faster than ever, has a better flight system than before, and has a lot more mobility options,which will help me get closer to enemies quicker. I’m so impressed with their work, I don’t know how they do it.
Even though we don’t Leapfrog any more, Vuelo and I caught up at the hideout. We spent the night talking. Sharing life stories with each other, and enjoying each other’s company. I’m glad to have him as a friend.
He got called into an emergency Union meeting, which I’m not allowed into due to my lack of membership, so I’m just waiting outside while they talk. On the way here, I told Vuelo about my weapon concept and he immediately understood what I’m going for. He suggested I look into the “SSC Atlas” and see if I can transpose the forms into emoti
[The text turns into an unfinished scribble]
The Union meeting was attacked by some paramilitary force that belongs to the new government. We survived, thanks to Victor’s quick thinking and ability to scare well armed wannabe secret police. The entire time I was focused on keeping Vuelo alive. Couldn’t stop thinking about Ryker telling me I couldn’t save everyone. I had to save Vuelo at all costs. How close to death did I come tonight?
8.1.8.12 R.D.
I had a terrible nightmare last night. It felt so vivid, so familiar. It almost felt like when I connected to Judgement in the swamp. I know it’s a trauma response but I can’t shake the feeling of fear and dread no matter how hard I try.
We found out that those paramilitary goons did multiple raids last night, all across the city. Turns out they’re also the same group that tried to get us on the space station and also the same ones that killed Unit 01. The legality of the raids at least is up for debate, but in two weeks’ time, it’s not going to matter. They’ll become the attack dogs of the new government, who’ll assuredly cover up any mistakes made.
But that’s only if we fail our mission to beat them down so bad they can’t get back up. I understand Captain’s rage and Ryker’s thirst for revenge now. I feel the bloodlust rising for what they did, but I can’t let myself get carried away in it. I don’t want to be a killer.
I spoke to Victor. I thought about writing him a letter trying to explain what I’ve been thinking but he doesn’t seem the type to enjoy that type of correspondence.
I still haven’t allowed myself to mourn my friend Mercury, but I had to make some kind of peace with their loss before the mission so that I could focus on what needed to be done. I think part of that process was to… reconcile, I suppose, with Victor. I can’t blame him for Mercury’s death, and I can’t hate him for not being Mercury either. It isn’t fair to him. I know he’s just as much a victim in everything. But at the same time, I had to know where he thought the line was between Mercury and himself.
I asked him who he thought killed that Church member on the last mission. At first, he seemed surly and defensive, but I think he could tell what I was asking was more than just what was written on the end of mission report. He said that it was Mercury who killed the man, but that Victor was still responsible for it.
I told Victor that I wanted to put aside our previously strained relationship and start fresh. I was honest and said that we still might not get along due to our differences in personality and ethos. I wanted to try for the good of Unit 02, and the good of us. We shook hands and agreed to try. It was probably as hard for him as it was for me to talk frankly about how we feel, which is saying something considering how hard it is for me.