2.0.8.12 R.D.
Handed my post mission report in to Runner today. She didn’t seem particularly impressed with the results of the mission, but she also doesn’t know what really happened out there, so she can’t really judge us.
I did briefly see Captain while I was at the base. He seemed better than yesterday but still pretty shell-shocked. I have to admit, I do feel some guilt about how suspicious I’ve been towards him for the last month or so. It’s becoming clearer to me that he is not privy to whatever conspiracy is afoot and is clearly a victim of its cruel machinations. I still don’t like him on a personal level though.
4.0.8.12 R.D.
All of Unit 02 was called to the morgue this morning. The Director was there and showed up the corpse of 01’s captain, and followed it up by telling us their entire unit had been wiped out. I could have sworn there was a snide remark mixed in there, subtly suggesting that was our fault they had all died. Ryker certainly felt some level of guilt over their deaths. I can’t say I share the same emotions, though, regardless of what guilt-tripping is thrown my way. There were other options that could have been utilised to try and save them. Their tragic deaths are a result of inaction, and possibly indifference, from the government and military leadership.
Director told us that allegedly Unit 01 and some of the Hordish pilots were defeated by unknown black mechs who had the same suicidal cockpits as the ones we faced on the space station. That makes two attacks, both from the same faction and both targeted Castirian Lancer units while in Hordish-aligned territory. Add on the fact that 01 Captain’s last words were a warning that they were attacked by Hordish Lancer known as Butcher, and it’s starting to look like that Hordistrum might just be acting against Castiria via proxy. Then again, it’s not like the Hords are unaffected by all this. They’ve had damage to infrastructure and lost soldiers as well. Maybe the mysterious faction is just trying to stoke some fire as cover for something else.
01 Captain’s final message was delivered to us via a hidden recording device he had on his jacket, seemingly provided by the IBC. The ever stoic Director was surprised by the existence of the device. The IBC must have gone over the Director’s head and flipped 01 Captain to be a secret informant, which has to be breaking some kind of chain of command. But why? Did they have information that suggested something bad was going to happen during the training exercise? If they did, why didn’t they share it with us?
Unit 02 voted and majority agreed that we should keep the existence of the recording to ourselves, as we don’t know who we can trust and we don’t want to let on that we know Butcher is a traitor in case he scrambles and goes underground. Captain was the sole dissenter, with his belief that all information should be openly shared so tragedies like 01 can be avoided.
I think he’s actually correct, but with the wrong reasoning. His desire to do it comes from a place of blind distrust for the nation: a hatred formed either from the echoes of a lost war, or the coincidence that it was where he was discovered half a year ago. I think he wants to share the information to vilify Hordistrum and force action against them. But if you spread that information with that framing, then that’s the only way it will be used. It could provide convenient cover for anyone else involved who isn’t Hordish. Like, for example, Castirian army personnel who are already hiding details about the 4YAPI.
But Captain doesn’t know that those people exist, because I haven’t told him. Maybe once he has the full picture, he’ll understand why we need to be careful about how we share that information.
5.0.8.12 R.D.
I spent all day in the Chateau today, trying to learn whatever I could about Kimaris and Amun. There are days where I greatly miss being just an academic. The rush of learning new things, the feeling of solitude found only in a quiet library surrounded by dusty books. When I am just an academic, I am free from the weight of responsibility. I only need to interpret the history and information in front of me, not shape or obscure it. It is simpler. It is easier.
Aside from being struck with forlorn nostalgia, I found a book titled “A to N: A Primer on Abujan History”. Despite the strange title, it was a pretty detailed book that did have a mythology section which mentioned Amun, but nothing about Kimaris. In hopes of learning more, I reached out to the Beleriki Professor who wrote it to see if we could meet, and if he would indulge me in a private lecture. He suggested we have lunch at what sounded like a very fancy place instead. Despite my lack of money due to my debt with Bosco, I agreed.
I’m assuming he’ll ask me to pay, so maybe I should bring someone else along to cover the bill for me. Ryker? Not to cast stereotypes, but I feel someone from a nomadic tribe may not have much more money than me. Vuelo? He has a daughter to care for, so I can’t take money away from him. Maybe I can ask Runner…
9.0.8.12 R.D.
Today I met up with the Professor for lunch. I ended up bringing Captain along, as he definitely has a higher salary than me, but I also thought he deserved to hear an expert opinion on the demon that has haunted him for so long. The place we ate at was previously the last outpost of the Abujan Empire. A historic site converted to a restaurant. Consumerism and gentrification know no bounds.
The Professor was able to teach us a great amount of things. Demons from the Abujan era (who he is under the impression are no longer a thing) held domains akin to deities in other mythologies and religions. Kimaris, who was portrayed in an old statue at the restaurant exactly like the being we saw in the swamp, was the patron of grammar and logic. Probably a result of such a specific domain, Kimaris was lesser known, but the military found some love for the demon. Amun, who was depicted as a being with an “owl wolf” head and snake body, has the wider-reaching domain of the past, future, and reconciliation. All I could think about after hearing that is how the lost minds stanza definitely hits those themes: “how the once thought” and “what is to come” in particular feel like emblematic.
Interestingly, it seems that their shared demonhood isn't the only known connection between the two entities, as they're sometimes depicted as lovers and other times as enemies. So the fact that they’re both active right now might not just be a coincidence. I can only hope they're in their enemy phase at the moment so they're not working together.
The Professor also didn’t seem to know any correlation between Kimaris and the theme of Judgement, so that must be a new thing. Why did it choose to rename itself but Amun didn’t? I wonder if it means Judgement found a new purpose outside of grammar and logic (and destruction?), and thus crafted a new identity, while Amun is still working within its old domain. Judgement created whatever "Instinct" is in Captain, so maybe the two are feuding over the theme of creation. I'd like that to be the case, but a gambler knows not to get his hopes up on unknown odds.
Captain didn’t engage in most of the conversation, which surprised me. It turns out he didn’t read any of the post mission reports and didn’t realise that Kimaris was what was inside the 2P. I guess that’s on me for assuming he read my hard work like a captain should. I told him to take some time and reflect on what he heard today, and that we can talk about everything we’ve all learned as a team soon. I can tell he knows I know more than I’m telling him, but the timing wasn’t right.
Forgot to mention, ran into Bosco at lunch. He’s getting antsy for his money. Need to figure out how I can repay him soon. Captain also now knows about the debt I’m in but doesn’t know why. He didn’t seem overtly judgemental about it, which is nice.
The Professor offered to pay for lunch, but the Victor somehow pulled rank on him despite his civilian status and paid instead. That's the confidence of a career military man I suppose. Perhaps those with tenure aren’t so bad on Telgeta IV and don’t abuse their standing against people below them. Or maybe the Professor just values experiences like the promised mech ride more than money. Wish Bosco felt the same way.
0.1.8.12 R.D.
The Professor said that the Abujan belief was that demons responded to calls from people, and that’s when they manifested and took action. So who brought Judgement to the battlefield during the 4YAPI? I doubt it was the people of Lang, as the 2P was used against them once the Captain jumped on it.
If it was actually summoned, there are two possibilities in my mind about who could have done it. One, Victor did it accidentally in the midst of wanting a way to win the conflict, and perhaps resonated with an Abujan artefact nearby. Or two, it was intentionally called forth by a Castirian-aligned force like Unit 00 so they could observe the power of an ancient demon. They would know the Captain’s fighting style and would have expected him to latch on as per his usual modus operandi. If it was someone from 00, I would have to assume it’s Ryker’s Mentor. How else would a legendary soldier let an underling get the better of him on the battlefield?
Today was a reckoning to say the least. Ryker called an emergency team meeting after an incident at Project White Snake where Instinct manifested itself in the physical world. I am so out of my depth on the implications of that, I can’t even begin to speculate what that means or how it works. Regardless, it was the spark that ignited the explosive revelations.
We told Captain everything we had learned about him and the 4YAPI, from the reports of Unit 00’s behaviour during the incident to the allegations that he wiped his own memory. He was furious that we had hidden all of this from him, and remained so despite my best efforts to explain how we couldn’t be sure he wasn’t part of the emerging conspiracy considering everyone else he associates with seems to be.
Is his anger justified? He’s been betrayed by every person and/or system around him. Hell, if he really did wipe his memory, you could see it as him betraying himself. He has been left in the dark completely, and only now are people trying to illuminate him.
In the midst of his rage and rants about lack of trust, Captain brought back up the idea of sharing the information we learned from 01 Captain’s recording, but through unofficial channels instead. I think I’d be a hypocrite if I condemned the idea. I have always thought his biggest flaw was his deference to the systems that have acted against him, even though he was unaware of that. Now he is rebelling against them in his own way. I think it’s shortsighted to rebel by empowering it, but the man is trying at least. For the time being, Ryker has seemingly convinced him not to leak anything until we investigate what happened ourselves, but we’ll see if Victor gives into his impulses first.
Captain also joyously informed us that he was able to sit in a mech without needing to de-associate, and has declared Mercury dead. I think the suddenness of the loss of Mercury has put me into a shock so badly that I’m unable to properly mourn them right now. I suppose it means I didn’t hear Mercury in the swamp after all. That I couldn’t show them a world outside of being a weapon will haunt me more than any paracausal entity we could ever meet.
These last two days have forced me to be far more… socially engaging than I’d like to be. From trying to woo the Professor into teaching me, to managing the 02 crisis meeting. It’s exhausting. I don’t know what I’m doing when I do it, but I also felt the obligation to step up despite that.
I ache to be a wallflower again, to play the observer that I am meant to be.