I feel as though I am suffocating in these mines. Being stuck in such close proximity to a unit that I am struggling to trust while also feeling guilty for how I treat the only person I have faith in on the team is weighing on me. I try to keep my mind occupied by observing and thinking, like this was any other expedition I've been on.

Mercury’s changes continue to interest me. They had a surprising nationalist twist to their questions, asking if I was a loyal Castirian soldier. Maybe that’s coming from the nebulous connection shared between Mercury and the Captain. There’s clearly a link, a shared cache of memory, whether the two of them are aware of it or not. How else would Mercury know that the Captain christened me “Thinksalot” before I did? How deep does that connection go? Maybe Mercury is the key to have Captain regain his memories of what happened during the 4YAPI, if Captain does have the amnesia of the event as he claims.

Perhaps related to these changes, I have a bad feeling about the effect of the de-association phrases on Mercury. They seem to be unwilling, or more likely unable, to answer any questions about how they feel about the process. It could be the stress of the environment or the guilt I feel about what I continue to put them through, but they almost seemed sad about going through the process, a resignation to a fate that’s as horrific as a life full of nothing but combat and stress. I guess that makes sense though. At least they’re alive, whatever that means for them, when they’re awake.

Unfortunately, the bad feelings don’t end with just Mercury. I saw Dog Man’s injury up close while we repaired our mechs. It looked like it was caused by exposure to a super cold liquid or air (coolant perhaps?), but there was additional blunt force trauma which seemed to exacerbate the wound. I doubt someone so dedicated to military procedure would purposely disadvantage themselves mid-combat for some sympathy, so I can believe the frostbite injury was real. But I think for it to get worse the way it did, was through self-harm. Did he try to milk it, make the best out of a bad situation? He joked around about it with Captain after the fact, maybe it’s part of their plan to win our trust, though I also doubt Captain would really care about an injury anyway if we won the fight. If it’s not a way to try and win us over though…

I have shut off external audio, I can’t stand to hear any more whining from this operations manager. She has continued to yell and threaten me, and the funding of Unit 02, since I brought Mercury away from Vuelo’s parley with the union miners.

I think that when we return to the Chateau, we must tell Mercury what we are. Guarding them from seeing our “squishy” selves is too much of a risk during these missions. Mercury is already starting to grow suspicious of Vuelo being “one of them”. I am sure that the military leadership will say something like “just have Mercury de-associate and have the Captain when not in combat”, but that is as much of a risk, if not more. Our enemies may try to ambush us while the Captain is away from his mech, and then we’d be a mech down. Especially if they are aware of Captain’s dual nature. After the incident in the space station, it’s clear that there’s a leak, or worse, in Unit 02’s intelligence networks. Of course, they could know what they’re doing and plan around it.

We also need to review with Captain and Handler about why Mercury does not de-associate on their own anymore. Surely the Captain doesn’t want to be trapped in their own mech again. He should be the one who makes the choice when to come out.

Do I actually believe any of this, or am I just trying to bury my own guilt and do something I can declare as moral or ethical to justify my treatment of Mercury?

The R.O. was likely not a religious symbol at all. It was a resurfaced paracausal entity that had powers similar to hypnotic suggestion or brainwashing. I owe Samira Daub a debt I won’t be able to repay. She is dead as a result of this failed expedition of the truth of the R.O.. Her distorted screams as the demon tore through her mech and was born into this reality were as terrifying as the demon itself. Ithiki’s sensors struggled to render the entity’s appearance, which I don’t know if I’m grateful for or not. Just what was that six-armed beast? And why did it seem to almost regress, devolving into some kind of core that almost resembled an egg from which it was born? Perhaps it was too strong to exist fully in this world, burning out bright, hot, and quick. Is that the fate of any pilot who was exposed to the Red Object Entity, or was it just because Samira was unlucky enough to be the first to be exposed?

I can’t stop myself from thinking one thing though - if that is the poison we are to breathe, then we are right to tremble at what is to come.

We are en route back to the Chateau. Before we left those cursed mines, we destroyed our mechs as we could not easily recover them. It felt metaphorical in a way I don’t quite understand yet. Is it emblematic of a rebirth or an omen of a failed future? As we surfaced, the Castirian army was already there. Another one of the Unit 00 members was there, not the Dog Man’s Mentor but the other one. How convenient that they were here just after the paracausal clash. I have to assume the Other One was waiting to see if they needed to perform whatever cover up would be required if we had failed our mission. Captain and Dog Man engaged in playful banter with the Other One, jesting about how Captain’s really part of Unit 02 now. Is he though? What did he do to contribute to our success? If we died in those nuclear blasts or fighting that demon, who would have been the one that actually lived those final moments? That who is part of Unit 02.

The mission debrief was a mess immediately. Handler and Captain both thought to shift blame to the Hords for the space station affair. There was some kind of cruel irony to me that Captain thought it made sense that the Hords would endanger their own weapon and people to spite our little unit, but that he can’t seem to be aware that Castiria did the same to him 4 years ago. Handler mentioned that the politicians went through the same de-association procedure that Captain went through. Why would they need that? They’re not pilots, they surely don’t need to compartmentalise the trauma of being exposed to the Red Entity. There’s something more to that procedure, but Handler was distracted by mentioning that all the evidence we collected has led to the arrest of key union figures, and the successful breaking of the miners’ strike. Vuelo left before she could even finish her sentence. Poor man, of course he’d be disgusted from having that thrown in our face. Even if the reasons behind the strike were to cover up the discovery of the Red Entity, the miners deserved better. Yet another debt of oil and blood they’re owed by the Castirian government.

This entire mission, I had one thing rattling around in my mind: you need to look into a man’s eyes to understand him. Right now, it’s impossible for me to look into Mercury’s eyes while I am hiding my own face from them, so I can never truly understand them. But I can look into their flesh counterpart’s, and I don’t like what I saw as I left the debrief. Captain has the eyes of a man with loyalty to the mission, not the people the mission is for. The crazy thing is, right before we left the mines, I could have sworn I’d seen something else in those eyes. I suppose it was a trick of the light, or maybe an over optimistic last ditch wish that I could trust him like I do Mercury. What a sorry fool I am.