There could not be a greater metaphor for what I am going through these days than the feeling of being shot down from space straight into the underground mines. The impact was so violent even in my personal shield of Ithiki that I felt it, an impact so violent I could almost feel the marrow in my bones vibrate. What did Mercury feel when they went through the drop? Do they even feel pain? I’m too much of a coward to ask. I can at least be naive about the unknown quantity when I’m choosing their waves.

Does the existence of reassociation phrases for Mercury imply de-association phrases for Captain? They’re not shared if they are since Captain told us the ones we use for Mercury. I digress. We tried the reassociation phrases today for the first time to have the Captain return to us. I wasn’t sure when the reassociation actually happened. It’s unclear to me whether it’s a gradual process akin to falling asleep or if it’s as sudden as a Blink. What is clear to me is the Captain’s lack of compassion upon hearing that the pilots we fought in space chose to kill themselves when we destroyed their mechs. He was completely unfazed, took it in his stride completely, and even suggested that it was a preferable option. We’re arguably complicit in the deaths of other humans, and he can’t even pay it the lip service of saying it was unfortunate. They might be the enemy, but they were still human. I pray I never reach the point where I have a singular, slavish devotion to the mission that I lack the empathy for a fellow fallen soldier.

Maybe that’s the Captain’s true face. Maybe he agreed to whatever happened in the 4YAPI, and he either forgot, was made to forget, or maybe even remembers and is lying to us about the details. All out of an endless dedication to his nation who will treat him no better than the way he treated the Force in the space station.

Mercury continues to change. They called Vuelo by his name and not by his mech’s name. I always wondered why they use the mech name and not our callsigns, but that’s not as intriguing as what’s happened here. Did they learn it from me? That’s solipsistic of me, I know, but what are the chances that when I learned Vuelo’s name, Mercury did as well? They could have used the Dog Man’s name, and I may not have taken as much notice of it.

Speaking of the Dog Man, during our encounter with the mercenaries, I heard him yelp and howl over our comms after he took a hit. He sounded just like any average dog does when they get hurt. Was he doing it to garner sympathy from us, to make us associate the idea of violence against him as horrifying as pain being inflicted against an innocent animal? It’s an effective strategy, but it’s unlike a mallet to suddenly decide force isn’t their only solution. Unless he was never a hammer to begin with.

A nuclear explosion is one of the most terrifying things you can experience as a pilot. It is a reminder that you are at most three bad moves away from your very existence being wiped away, erased in a flash. And that flash is literal - the explosion starts off as something so blinding that even through the sensors and the metal frame, you could swear your retinas are being seared. Then, the sound. An explosive bang so loud you think you’ll never hear again, followed immediately by the sound hitting your frame. As it hits all your senses together, it’s hard to put a single coherent thought together, though that’s something I was happy to have a reprieve from.

Because the first thought I had after the explosion was that the pilots in the range of the blast didn’t stand a chance to escape in time. They’re gone, and unlike those who chose to kill themselves in space, they didn’t make that choice for themselves. We made it for them. That blood is on our hands now. Was there really no other way we could have gotten through the checkpoint? Maybe the Captain is right, death in our mechs might be the preferable option if the only other thing we can do with them is the senseless killing of others.