In the days since finding out that the official truth of the 4YAPI does not match the actual truth, I have found myself suspicious of nearly everyone at the Chateau. I spend my time either holed up in the library reading whatever I can find in books, or walking aimlessly in the city. I don’t interact with anyone, but it’s at least better than wondering if they’re planning to trick me in some way.

Today, we had our mission briefing with our Handler. They told us about our way into the mines (an orbital space cannon), and also that they have designated the R.O. has the HUP 2. These traitors guys have finally thought of a good name. We don’t have much more information about what to expect, but you can tell they’re expecting us to fight the miners. Even though this mission was our choice, I can’t help but feel like I’m a tool for the government to fix their problems, akin to a glorified plumber. Of course, we hope to avoid conflicts because of Vuelo’s connections to the union. Is this an expected variable for them or an unwanted complication?

The politicians are still in a bad state, apparently still catatonic from what our Handler says. This is probably not a lie. I’m glad that we were the ones who got the information about how the R.O. works so that we could avoid being part of another paracasual incident ourselves.

I have two key personal goals for this mission:

1. Figure out if the R.O. is actually a religious symbol, and if so, document the belief system around it
2. Determine who on my unit I can trust and who is an agent of the state.

The only person I have nearly full trust in right now is Mercury, seeing as though they can only exist when they’re inside a giant mech. Even then, who knows how much Captain learns from Mercury’s experiences, or even how in control of themselves they are given the last time we saw them.

I’ve missed space. There’s an almost ethereal calm that exists in the endless vacuum of stars. Every time I’m up here, I think about how inconsequential a single life is, but how despite that, some can still have such a great impact. It’s another reminder of how important my life’s work is, I suppose. These paradoxical lives and the beliefs that drive them deserve to be documented and preserved, so that the memories of the impacts they had will never be lost.

Dog Man didn’t seem to handle the space jump well. Or maybe it’s guilt about secret orders he received from his mentor that’s making him nauseous. If so, at least he’s nice enough to feel guilt over it. The Hords seem nice if not a bit standoffish about us being on their base. Captain doesn’t seem to trust them at all. I wonder why he’s so suspicious of them, surely it’s not their fault that he was found there after the 4YAPI. If I told him the truth of what happened that day, would he still harbour resentment for Hordistrum? Would he even believe me that that’s what happened? Even someone like me can tell that I’m not held in the highest regard by the Captain. Our personalities are like water and oil - from his perspective, I probably ask too many questions while I’d argue he doesn’t ask enough. He was betrayed by his country, by his own unit, and still holds hate for the opposing nation. I guess a soldier will always be a soldier. But if I’m fighting alongside him, what does that make me?

Mercury has changed. I can’t tell what it means yet, but they’ve changed. They were asking a lot more questions than before. At first, I indulged because it was nice to have someone I could trust nearly unconditionally. A friend. But something feels off. Captain and our Handler didn’t inform us of any changes to Mercury or the MIP. What could have ignited this newfound curiosity and quest for answers? Yet another unknown.

Regardless, the conversation was very informative. As expected, Mercury does experience The Blink - they do not perceive any gaps between our encounters. It’s as fascinating as it is terrifying. Each time they awaken, it’s another battlefield. They don’t even get dreams as a respite. Mercury also seems to experience different voices in their head. Is this a side effect of the de-association process? I need to ask Captain if he hears voices too, but maybe that should wait for after the mission. Is it a coping mechanism that Mercury has created to deal with the endless stress of a life lived in combat? Also worth noting that Mercury seems to experience guilt based on how they have apologised for previously endangered me, although if I’m being honest I can’t quite remember which incident they’re referring to when they apologised.

I should be the one apologising to Mercury though. I indulge in philosophical discussion and friendly banter with them, but then I also treat them like a research subject with what I ask and how I treat them. I lie, either outright or by omission, about my flesh-bound nature. Not just that, but I still ask them to participate in the life that I describe as hellish. By my own admission, I have the freedom to choose to fight, to choose what my waves are, and Mercury does not. They are right to call me out - by not teaching or encouraging them to choose their own waves, I am the one who is choosing for them. I am complicit in their hell, and I have the gall to call them a friend. Even Starwind’s Tenets say that self should not come at the cost of others. And even though I know this, I still won’t stop because I have my own mission, my own goals.

I wish I could stay in space. I need to feel small and insignificant for just a little longer.